Card Carrying Member

Did you ever have the dubious honor of being a member of a club that you never wanted to join??  In fact, if truth be told, you were so anti this particular club that you spoke out vehemently against it, judged those who were in it, and went about your day in a little bubble insulating yourself from it.

But then IT happened.  That event that chipped at your bubble, and made you start looking around to see that the life you thought you had sowed, invested in, and created and loved was something very different.  But you can’t give up.  You can’t join that club, because that’s quitting and we just do not quit.  (Because that’s where those club members are from – not trying hard enough; not working; giving up).  So you keep fighting to save what you had.  But that chip in the bubble – it let in air – air that you had been devoid of for the better part of your adult life.  Fresh air…… and that oxygen enriched air reached your brain (slowly because remember, this was a CHIP in the bubble – not a hole) and you started to remember things about yourself from before.  Before you wore the many hats you wear today; before you spent so much time cultivating the life you thought you had; before you ever thought that you could lose yourself so completely.

So you fight to regain the equilibrium.  Except with the fresh air you realize going back to the old ways wasn’t going to work.  So you try to do it differently; you try to find that balance between the two ways.  And you push heartache aside, and resentment, and anger, and try to find peace and happiness, and maybe love…. Or even like on most days.  The more you try though the more distance is created.  Everyone around you sees that you’re fighting a losing battle, but you can’t listen to those people – they’re giving up too!  Don’t they see???  If this fails, I FAIL.  I cannot fail at yet ANOTHER thing in my life.  That’s been the name of my adult game.   Don’t they get it???

But that chip grows daily…. letting in more and more air.  And with each deep breath and the active practice of reacquainting myself with me I wasn’t content with the status quo.  I now knew without a doubt that I held the reigns – if I could just go back to behaving the way I did BEFORE (the event, not the bubble…) then I would have my life back.   Except, I also knew it wasn’t that simple because obviously there wasn’t the happiness and contentment in the true before picture or the IT wouldn’t have happened.

So here I sit.  I’m watching the final crumbling pieces of that world fall down, and extricating myself from my now almost fully deflated bubble.  I’m actively facilitating the unthinkable and becoming a proud vocal member of that club.  I’m embracing my failures and looking ahead because, if this experience is teaching me nothing else, it is telling me that my future holds so much more promise than my past ever would have let me experience.  BRING ON TOMORROW!

Firsts

The first post-separation relationship has possibly run its course. And I lay here at 5am, unable to sleep, tears streaming and try to remind myself that it’s a blessing to feel and to care and to have had something that was worth crying over.

This relationship was one that was never supposed to be……… we met on one of the dreaded dating sites and he didn’t fit into any of my boxes. Plus he lived about an hour away and our schedules were so different. But he spent 8 weeks pursuing. Good morning beautiful texts everyday, conversations about life, families, growing up. And he’d ask me out and I’d say no. I even talked to him about introducing him to my sister who lives in the same area as him.

Finally, he asked me out and I didn’t have an excuse to say no. My mom actually pushed me to say yes. “What harm can it do ?” So I took a deep breath and said ok. And when we met it was electric. I’d never had that before. So many of my assumptions from our text exchanges were completely wrong and I found myself falling into an unintentional relationship.

That was 4 months ago. And there have been hurdles. Like the fact that once I was interested to the same level he got terrified and started pushing me away, except when I went to walk away he begged me not to go. He’s damaged too. And I just feel like we might be perfect for each other on many levels, but not in our “today” states.

Regardless of how this turns out I know how lucky I am to have had this man be my first relationship in my new world. He was (is) sensitive, giving, loving, interested in only me, and kind.

I believe in love

But why??? I’ve been smashed to pieces, and destroyed and yet I still find myself longing for my “I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love me” moment…………

I find myself as a spectator to his new family and new life and I’m here alone (not without my kids of course – and I know they love me but I’m talking about romantic love). Desperately alone. Unwanted. Cast aside.

Rationally I know that what he’s found isn’t real. That if this girl has (or finds) self respect she’s going to move on. But that’s not enough to give me comfort right now 😔

The night before….

Tonight, on the cusp of my 40th birthday many thoughts swim through my mind.

To the young girl I was….. I’m so sorry for the loss of your innocence. For the shattering of visions of love and forever and happiness ever after.

To the woman standing here now I share with you the empowerments that I give others on a daily basis but often forget to share with you: you are strong; you are beautiful; you are capable; you are worthy. This next chapter of your life will astound you because you didn’t give up or give in. You are a fighter and an amazing example to your daughters. You’ve continued to maintain a belief that good exists in this world and continue to maintain hope of finding your peace and happiness. And it is coming.

For the woman who stands down my road I pray that you will send me guidance and continued strength and help

Me to navigate this unknown path in a way that ensures that my happiness and peace are realized. Please continue to pepper my path with amazing people and experiences that reinforce my journey and allow me to develop into the best version of me.

To all who’ve provided influence up until this point, those who continue to influence, and those yet to come I remain eternally grateful. My eyes, ears, mind, and heart are open to your guidance.

Without question, this part of my life is positioned to be better than I ever imagined and I’m glad to have you all on this journey.

Missing connection

I am a generally positive person.  I have a strong support network I can depend on when I need help. Friends to go out with when I need company.  But I’m missing banter………….. and someone to share my random thoughts with………… and flirtatious text messages just because.  It’s

been almost 2 years since I had that.

And that missing part is screaming at me this week.  I don’t know why, it hasn’t been a different week than normal.  Maybe it’s another stage of healing?  Being aware of that piece of a relationship being important?  I don’t know.  All I know is I feel it strongly this week.

Valentine’s Day

Right?! Because let’s be basic, and unoriginal, and blog about the most obvious thing.  Now, I’m going to be honest.  I’ve dabbled into the online dating pool.  But I’m not the type of personality that translates well into 300 word descriptions, or prefilled questionnaires.  I’m unique and a little quirky; sometimes snarky, almost always sarcastic, and doubting.  I’m also not the traditional beauty that makes someone stop and take a closer look.  So, if I was really looking for love right now I think I’d be pretty discouraged.

I’m ok with all of that. I have been spending the past year (or 18 months if we’re going to be real) getting to know me.  Who I am as an almost 40 year old woman, instead of the 19 year old girl I was the last time I was single.  I’ve been actively dating me for a few months now.  I go to the movies all the time (thank you MoviePass!), I will go out to dinner, I take care to do my hair and take care of my skin so that I am (almost) always presenting the best version of me in my life.  And, as much as I’m taking care of the outside, I am healing my head, healing my heart, and changing that internal voice and messaging that for so long said “You are NOT enough – smart enough, thin enough, strong enough, etc.” to realizing that I have always been strong, smart, and beautiful.

I am kind. I am loving and giving to a fault.  I am willing to accept responsibility for my choices and I can say I’m sorry when I’m wrong.  I am worthy of love.  I am worthy of a partner.  And I am worth waiting for that right person who fits into my life.

I believe in romance. I believe that life can sometimes resemble a rom com and I will find my version of Prince Charming in my corner when the time is right.  But today, today is about celebrating the love in my life and planning a lovely dinner with my children, and wishing those around me well in their love lives – with their partners, parents, children, pets, and hopefully with themselves!

YOU ARE WORTH IT!  YOU ARE LOVED!  YOU ARE SOMEONE!

Remember these words when you feel lonely, and unwanted. And be kind to yourself.  Comment below if you need reassurance.  Let’s support each other, and be strong together, on Valentine’s Day and every day!

What Comes Next?

I don’t mean tomorrow, or next month. The past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to focus more on the next year, the next 5 years, the next 10 years and what those milestones look like in my life.

I mentioned a couple of blogs ago that I have adopted what I would have previously called a new-age mentality. The old me would have scoffed at many of the decisions I choose to make these days.  Meditation and affirmations?  Vision boards and breathing exercises?  Maybe they are crutches, but they are getting me through every single day of the hardest time I’ve ever experienced.  I’m ok if you don’t believe in these items – you don’t have to!  I still accept you and support you and whatever gets you through every day.

My reality right now is that I don’t have enough money to live. I can’t pay for my house, and I am struggling to keep up with bills.  Yet, I have confidence that there is something heading my way that is going to help me get out of the whole.  No, I’m not just relying on the universe to provide – I am taking steps of my own to improve my situation and look at my options in the short term AND long term – but I do believe that there will be some assistance by fate to provide for all we need.

This is the same confidence that I feel when I think abstractly about what my life is going to look like down the road and I sense an amazing future – filled with success, respect, kindness, and love. Love oozes from all of the images.  As does happiness.  And I KNOW, without a shadow of doubt, that going through all of this now is setting me up for an incredible future.

I can’t spend too much time dwelling on the source of these feelings. When I do that old me, the one who was constantly sad and doubting and negative, she pops in to tell me I’m an idiot for holding onto and putting stock in these feelings.  But what I can tell her is this; I ignored a whole lot of feelings for the past 20 years that had I just listened a little more closely might have helped me come to inevitable conclusions sooner.

IT

It’s hard to believe that it was 19 months ago that IT happened. I remember the night so clearly though truly it seems like I watch it from above.  Normal night at home with the kids, he was working.  Kid 1 had just gotten a cell phone the day before and it was buzzing every 4 seconds.  I mean insanity.  Driving me crazy.  Finally, I log into the cell phone service to see just how many messages are being exchanged.

There was something like 150. I was shocked that one could accumulate so many messages in a 24 hour period.   (Silly, silly, naive me)  So I checked my messages as a comparison – we were 2 weeks into our monthly plan and I had 50 messages.  And then I check his……………………  and there are 586 messages…………..

586

More than 500 of those messages were to one number. A city number.  Not a mutual friend/family member.

I was numb. What the hell was this?  What do I do?  I shared with a close friend what I had found.  She called the number and a woman answered.  A Hispanic woman answered (like most of the women he works with) and a picture started to form in my mind.

I got the kids to bed and waited for him to come home. When he arrived he sat on the couch beside me and I asked whose number is 646-XXX-XXXX.  And he says “I’m not sure, why?  It might be a ____________  at work.”  I said “well considering you have texted this number more than 500 times in the past 2 weeks I think it’s pretty evident that you know who it is.”  And he sat there in silence for 30 minutes and stood up and went to bed.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Obviously there were a trillion thoughts flying through my head. But there was inaction.  I’m not proud of me in looking back on this tale.  I know what I would have told a friend, a sister who found themselves in the same place, but me?  This couldn’t happen to me.

My intention today is not to dwell on IT. IT was not the reason that I’m where I am now, it was a symptom of a larger disease I was blissfully unaware of.  I share the events surrounding IT for historical purposes and as a record of how far I’ve come and as an accountability factor to remember what I deserve moving forward.

Living alone

Do you know I’ve never lived alone? Well there was this one time, when I was about 16 that I had my own room.  For 2 years.  But, besides that……….. never.  (and I’m not really going to be living alone now either because of the kids but it has me thinking)

There is an excitement about making a space my own. Except, my space is marred; it’s marred by the memories and plans that were made as part of a unit, and left to be recreated alone.

His space is brand new (to him). Leaving behind the remnants of a life that smothered, of spaces that never lived up to grand expectations, of binding ties that felt like chains.  God, isn’t that the ultimate fantasy??  Running away from life and starting over fresh.  But, the realists know that the reality of that fantasy isn’t really so great.  There’s loneliness, and doubt, and sadness about what used to be.  Or maybe there isn’t.  Maybe, for some people, those connections are too much; those responsibilities are burdens instead of blessings.  Maybe, the freedom in being free is enough to bring happiness.

As I’m only able to know my own thoughts, I try not to spend time dwelling on what is part of the thought processes in other’s minds. And, I have visions and plans for owning my space.  For creating an oasis of peace in this moment and a place of comfort and warmth for those who choose to inhabit it.  Not a place of fear, of eggshell walking, of constant anxiety.  A place where my walls can reflect the joy in my world, and celebrate the great life I’ve lived up to this point.  A place where friends gather and relax, where sleepovers are a regular occurrence, where laughter and hugs can replace feelings of inadequacies and tears, and souls can rebuild.

Some of my journey has caused me to become slightly new age-y. (Another group of people that I would secretly roll my eyes at in the past – I’m starting to see that I was a judg-ey bitch haha)  I’ve embraced the idea of meditation and have begun to incorporate it into my world, and will be getting a sage smudge stick to reclaim my home once he is cleared out of it.  Feel free to judge that – I know how it sounds and what my reaction would have been in the not so distant past – but I also know that today is about moving forward and not dwelling in the past.  And I am going to do what I have to do to build my safe space using whatever tools bring me peace.   Namaste!