Valentine’s Day

Right?! Because let’s be basic, and unoriginal, and blog about the most obvious thing.  Now, I’m going to be honest.  I’ve dabbled into the online dating pool.  But I’m not the type of personality that translates well into 300 word descriptions, or prefilled questionnaires.  I’m unique and a little quirky; sometimes snarky, almost always sarcastic, and doubting.  I’m also not the traditional beauty that makes someone stop and take a closer look.  So, if I was really looking for love right now I think I’d be pretty discouraged.

I’m ok with all of that. I have been spending the past year (or 18 months if we’re going to be real) getting to know me.  Who I am as an almost 40 year old woman, instead of the 19 year old girl I was the last time I was single.  I’ve been actively dating me for a few months now.  I go to the movies all the time (thank you MoviePass!), I will go out to dinner, I take care to do my hair and take care of my skin so that I am (almost) always presenting the best version of me in my life.  And, as much as I’m taking care of the outside, I am healing my head, healing my heart, and changing that internal voice and messaging that for so long said “You are NOT enough – smart enough, thin enough, strong enough, etc.” to realizing that I have always been strong, smart, and beautiful.

I am kind. I am loving and giving to a fault.  I am willing to accept responsibility for my choices and I can say I’m sorry when I’m wrong.  I am worthy of love.  I am worthy of a partner.  And I am worth waiting for that right person who fits into my life.

I believe in romance. I believe that life can sometimes resemble a rom com and I will find my version of Prince Charming in my corner when the time is right.  But today, today is about celebrating the love in my life and planning a lovely dinner with my children, and wishing those around me well in their love lives – with their partners, parents, children, pets, and hopefully with themselves!

YOU ARE WORTH IT!  YOU ARE LOVED!  YOU ARE SOMEONE!

Remember these words when you feel lonely, and unwanted. And be kind to yourself.  Comment below if you need reassurance.  Let’s support each other, and be strong together, on Valentine’s Day and every day!

What Comes Next?

I don’t mean tomorrow, or next month. The past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to focus more on the next year, the next 5 years, the next 10 years and what those milestones look like in my life.

I mentioned a couple of blogs ago that I have adopted what I would have previously called a new-age mentality. The old me would have scoffed at many of the decisions I choose to make these days.  Meditation and affirmations?  Vision boards and breathing exercises?  Maybe they are crutches, but they are getting me through every single day of the hardest time I’ve ever experienced.  I’m ok if you don’t believe in these items – you don’t have to!  I still accept you and support you and whatever gets you through every day.

My reality right now is that I don’t have enough money to live. I can’t pay for my house, and I am struggling to keep up with bills.  Yet, I have confidence that there is something heading my way that is going to help me get out of the whole.  No, I’m not just relying on the universe to provide – I am taking steps of my own to improve my situation and look at my options in the short term AND long term – but I do believe that there will be some assistance by fate to provide for all we need.

This is the same confidence that I feel when I think abstractly about what my life is going to look like down the road and I sense an amazing future – filled with success, respect, kindness, and love. Love oozes from all of the images.  As does happiness.  And I KNOW, without a shadow of doubt, that going through all of this now is setting me up for an incredible future.

I can’t spend too much time dwelling on the source of these feelings. When I do that old me, the one who was constantly sad and doubting and negative, she pops in to tell me I’m an idiot for holding onto and putting stock in these feelings.  But what I can tell her is this; I ignored a whole lot of feelings for the past 20 years that had I just listened a little more closely might have helped me come to inevitable conclusions sooner.